"Ad Astra Per Aspera Et Terram" (To the stars through difficulties and dirt)
Base: Bunker 42, Sector 7G | Comm-Link: 555-WORM | Net-Mail: director@subastro.edu
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Department of Subterranean Astrophysics "Ad Astra Per Aspera Et Terram" (To the stars through difficulties and dirt) Base: Bunker 42, Sector 7G | Comm-Link: 555-WORM | Net-Mail: director@subastro.edu |
We placed exactly 7,341 earthworms in a lead-lined terrarium located 2 kilometers underground, to shield them from standard background radiation. This depth was chosen precisely because it represents 0.0000013% of the distance from the Earth to the Sun (149.6 million kilometers). By matching this ratio, we create a resonant harmonic frequency with the solar core.
We then fired a concentrated beam of cosmic tachyons directly into the soil using a repurposed microwave oven and three very large car batteries. The worms were arranged in a Fibonacci spiral to maximize their surface area exposure to the tachyons.
Building the terrarium was no small feat. We utilized over four tons of surplus Cold War lead plating, welding it together in complete darkness to avoid accidental photon contamination. Inside, the soil is maintained at a precise temperature of 14.96 degrees Celsius—yet another nod to the 149.6 million kilometer constant.
It is imperative to note that the extraction of cosmic worms cannot be performed with standard gardening tools. A regular iron spade will instantly ground out the Wormyon charge. Instead, we utilize a highly modified, non-conductive fiberglass spatula-shovel, originally designed for flipping extremely large pancakes in industrial kitchens. This ensures the worms retain their quantum superposition during the transfer from the soil to the glass containment jars.
You cannot expect a worm to process cosmic tachyons on a diet of mere compost. Our subjects were fed a proprietary blend consisting of 14% decaying organic matter (mostly old university cafeteria food) and 86% pure dark matter paste. We synthesize the dark matter in our breakroom by super-cooling stale coffee grounds in a makeshift centrifuge. The resulting substance is highly volatile but provides the necessary atomic density for the worms to withstand neutrino impacts.
Using a rudimentary cathode-ray tube and a lot of patience, we measured the bioluminescent glow emitted by the worms upon particle impact. Crucially, we introduced a time delay in our observation apparatus exactly equal to 8 minutes and 20 seconds. This ensures that we are observing the worms exactly as the Sun "sees" them. Any deviation from this 149.6 million kilometer light-travel time resulted in the worms turning into a puddle of generic protoplasm.
Our observations confirm that worms do not merely "move" through dirt; they fold spacetime around themselves, propelled by solar neutrino absorption.
The academic community at large has called our methodology "insane," "dangerous," and "a gross misuse of university funding." To them, we say: look at the glowing worms! You cannot deny the bioluminescence. When they demand peer review, we ask them if their peers have ever been 2 kilometers underground with three car batteries and a microwave. The answer is invariably no.
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