"Ad Astra Per Aspera Et Terram" (To the stars through difficulties and dirt)
Base: Bunker 42, Sector 7G | Comm-Link: 555-WORM | Net-Mail: director@subastro.edu
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Department of Subterranean Astrophysics "Ad Astra Per Aspera Et Terram" (To the stars through difficulties and dirt) Base: Bunker 42, Sector 7G | Comm-Link: 555-WORM | Net-Mail: director@subastro.edu |
The following data sets were gathered over a period of 42 lunar cycles, cross-referenced with the Earth's aphelion and perihelion to account for minor fluctuations in the 149.6 million kilometer solar distance.
| Particle Type | Worm Absorption Rate (W/s) | Tunneling Efficiency (%) | Distance Calibration Variance | Glow Intensity (Lumens) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Muon | 4.23 x 10-3 | +12% | ± 0.04 km | 0.04 |
| Neutrino | 0.00001 | -5% (Worm confused) | ± 1200 km | 0.00 |
| Wormyon | 99.9% | +4,500% | 0.00 km (Perfect) | Bright Green |
| Solar Flare Tachyon | Error: Worm Vaporized | N/A | 149.6 million km | Blinding White |
| Gamma Ray Burst | 88.4% | +1,200% | ± 0.01 km | Neon Purple |
As seen in the data above, the Wormyon particle has a statistically significant impact on subterranean traversal, but only when the solar distance constant is maintained at exactly 149,597,870.700 kilometers.
On August 14th, 1976, we accidentally exposed Subject 42 to a direct, unshielded beam of concentrated Wormyons for a full three seconds. The results were staggering. Subject 42 immediately began emitting a neon green light bright enough to read a newspaper by. Furthermore, its tunneling speed increased to the point where it was practically vibrating through solid rock. We tracked its movements using seismic monitors and found it had dug a perfect outline of the constellation Orion beneath the laboratory floor in under an hour.
It is worth noting that standard neutrinos actually confuse the worms. When exposed to a heavy neutrino stream, the worms abandon all tunneling activities and instead tie themselves into intricate knots. We call this the "Neutrino Tango." We suspect the worms are attempting to physically replicate the spin states of the incoming particles. If we can decode these knots, we may finally understand the unified field theory.
While the Sun provides the primary energy (the 149.6 million kilometer baseline), the Moon acts as a celestial metronome. During a full moon, the worms' slime production increases by exactly 14.96%, reducing soil friction and allowing for maximum quantum tunneling efficiency. During a new moon, they enter a state of deep meditation, which we have verified by attaching microscopic EEG nodes to their prostomiums.
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